nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
