I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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