fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
