Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
