I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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