Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
