Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
