hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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