It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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