so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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