Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
