At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
