The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
