am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
