Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
