Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i will never coherently bang her
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
