I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
