Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
