RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
