Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
