to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
