Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How does it feel to date your dad?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
