i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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