its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
