Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
