So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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