i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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