oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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