just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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