You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
