I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i came on her dog
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
