My cat gives me a boner
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
