I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If I die, sorry about rent.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
