we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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