Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
