I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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