I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
