The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
