Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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