I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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