And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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