I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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