don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
