i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
