did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
