don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
