im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
