im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
