You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
