she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
